Thought Vomit on Being Young, Fleeting Friends and Clouds

     I knew one of these posts was coming. I knew I was going to feel like I feel today, even before I wrote the first post to Vivian Breathes NYC. The the sun doesn't want to come out from behind the clouds...The time, when I sit down to write my blog post for the week and feel like sharing with you a happy little adventure of mine. But as an extract from an earlier post of this blog reads, ''I want to remember what it felt like to be, live and breathe NYC.", I feel fit to tell you about the dark as well as the light. 

      

   I think every person goes through feelings of self-doubt. I have never met anyone, who whole-heartedly said: "I have absolutely no fear for the future, nor have regrets of the past." It's damn near impossible to live like that. Even more, it's horrible to live like that. A huge part of life is making mistakes, feeling like utter and complete shit (excuse expression), starting to feel better, picking yourself up from the ground and then moving on, knowing that you might've learned from that mistake. The next time you encounter the same thing, you say: "Hey, is this situation similar to the one that made me feel like utter and complete shit (again, sorry)? Oh, yeah. It is! Might not want to make that mistake again." The situation is similar, you have experience to deal with it. 

   

  Being 17 years old, there's a lot of "new" for me to deal with. Something that I've never encountered before, had the privilege of making a mistake in, so I'd know what to do. And that is perfectly fine. It's a part of growing up. Yet you forget how terrible it is, working through something absolutely unfamiliar.  

     

   I know I will forget one day too. But today, I just made the wrong turn at the intersection, got lost somewhere between 3rd and 4th Avenue, can't make it home before dark and feel terrified. Tomorrow I'll know not to go left, but right and be just fine. Today I'm jealous of all my best friends posting photographs of them together on social media, of not being with them and feeling sad that they don't realize how wonderful it is that all your friends are a 30 minute bus ride away. In a months I'll see, that best friends are ones you keep, wherever you are and they want to be with you as much as you with them. 

   The concept of friends, people you care about and surround yourself with has been a topic rattling round in my brain for some time now. For people that move around a lot friends are a different concept than to others, who've lived in the same place for years. This is not speaking from my own experience so much, as from a lot of people's around me. There are a lot of kids at UNIS, who have moved around many times. Every year, a new environment, new kids, new teachers...You don't have the time to build long-lasting strong relationships, because you'll be gone in a year and may never see that person again. So what do you do? You start to treat people as a loan. I'll be your friend, have awesome times, hang out, yet not let you get so close that you'll actually know me. Why? Well, first of all getting to know someone like that takes quite a lot of time, something that I don't have much of. And secondly, what will happen when I have to go again? I leave a whole in my heart, where you occupied the space and feel miserable without you? Nope. Can't do that to myself. Over and over again. NO! So I just end up building walls, I don't want you to climb and knock you off when you still decide to try?

    I've come to the conclusion that you cannot live like that. I know that by doing so I inadvertently invite heartbreak into my future, but hopefully some lovely times for the present too. However painful, uncomfortable or scary "feeling" something is, I'll have to feel it all the way through. If I don't I never actually live. There's always a silver lining to every cloud. Right now, you might be in the gray, but tomorrow when those sun rays hit, you'll wonder why you didn't see the lining all along. 

PS! I know this has been different from what I usually post. I've just had some thoughts jumping around in my brain and needed to get them out. Here you go. Here's my thought vomit. (Nice visual for you there, I know.) 

During the following days you can expect a description of UN day at UNIS (Apparently, it's kind of a big deal for us. United Nations day, United Nations International School - I wonder why :) and the actual UN day at the UN itself. 

Thank you so very much for reading! 

Birthday Blast on Broadway, The Effect of Coffee on the Vivian Brain and A Trio Taking Over SoHo

   Welcome back, I know it has been a little while since the last post...I've been occupied with other very important things (Futurama marathon with Dad; eating everything bad for you, which has ever been invented; falling into a rabbit hole of information on the possibility of ACTUALLY existing unicorns etc.) 

First and foremost, I feel obligated to tell you that you are no longer reading the blog of a childish immature 16-year-old caterpillar in a cocoon, but one of a 17-year-old sophisticated young woman, becoming a  butterfly (BUTTerfly...Ok, I'm never gonna grow up, let's face facts here). 

A big fat juicy ''Thank You'' to you, if you bothered to send me a message or write a birthday wish on my Facebook wall - it might seem just like a ''Palju õnne!'' to you, but it means so much more to me. 

The 17 was sinking into the cake, I had to blow out the candles very quickly :)

My mom's gift to me was 2 tickets to see a production of Aladdin in the New Amsterdam theatre on Broadway. Words cannot express how it felt like to lose my Broadway virginity. The lovely Tiffany who accompanied me on this trip to Agrabah was luckily just as excited as I was. I would've felt really weird, sitting between the kids who came with their parents and crying/laughing/feelingallthefeels more than them. The thought of seeing a real musical on Broadway has been my dream for SO many years and my expectations were very high. I'm very happy to report that they were met (I mean, come on, they LITERALLY had a flying carpet up on that stage of theirs.)

Not going to lie - the kids in the seats next to ours gave us, the REAL Aladdin fans, some pretty weird looks. 

An honorable mention of a significant event goes to the ''night of 1 hour and 30 minutes sleep'', which took place on the 2nd (technically 3rd) of October. So...We had this research paper due in history. (I know, I'm going to learn how to manage my time better, you don't have to keep reminding me, Mom.) Anyway, I hadn't left it all on the last night - only like a half. It went by really quickly - I remember Google-ing ''Why did France go to war in 1914'' at 7PM and then realizing it was 5:18AM and that I had to get some sleep. Luckily, I have a special power for these kinds of situations. A cup of coffee. I am not joking, a cup of jo will keep me going for at least 6 hours. I've kept the substance as unreachable to me as possible, to make the effect more dramatic in case of emergencies. It clearly worked for me that morning, as my friend Emmett received a text like this at 8:25AM: ''HAPPY MORNING. I'M SO AWAKE. ZOOMZOOM. Cofee is DA best thing everrr." I am not even joking. This is a great representation of me on coffee (The Big Bang Theory fans represent!):

"I will be back before this banana hits the ground...ZOOMZOOMZOOMZOOM!"

Also I got a question from a dear friend of mine from Tartu (Erghmagerd, someone actually asked something. Success!):
What are the accents like over there? Do you have dialects, how different are they and how much do you notice them?
I go to an international school, so there are people from all over the world - that means different accents. I love doing all kinds of different accents, so it's all ponies and rainbows for me...The people I try to imitate sometimes don't take it that well. I always mean it in the best way possible, I don't want to make fun of the person or where he/she comes from. There are some awesome people who tolerate my attempts which is just rad.
I can just speak for the accents, everybody speaks the same dialect of English, I think. I'm sorry for my limited knowledge of the English language.
Bonus: People say I don't have an Estonian accent and they say that actual Estonian sounds like Sim-lish (From The Sims/2/3/4...n)

As far as today goes, I went to East Village and SoHo with my friends Lina and Tiffany. We got our nails done at a salon, ate at a Greek cafe and went Vintage-clothes-shopping (Old clothes are ones worn by fairies, but bought by the fairies's daddies that wanted to spoil their little princesses...Bottom line, very expensive :( )

 The Girl With a Snowy Beanie and The Girl Who lived in Gangnam (Style ;) 

In the evening, I went grocery shopping and had an out-of-the-blue experience of  feeling like a freaking badass. I was strutting down the aisles, thinking ''Look at me all grown-up, having responsibility...Am I gonna buy dark or milk chocolate? I don't know. But you don't have the power to stop me from making any choice. I might just go crazy, get 'em both.''' I have no idea why groceries made such an impact on me today. Oh, you know what, it might've been the Queen blasting in my headphones. Freddie just makes you feel fabulous, doesn't he?

Thank you for reading! (This is the tenth post on this blog. We've made it into double digits - great progress :)